School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Best table by far
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced