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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.