So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do