[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES