my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.