My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then