“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My new favorite headline
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.