Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

*pronounces UPS like yoops

I gave up going to work for lent.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.