Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.