Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
it must be school picture day
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
And that about sums it up.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*launders Kohls cash*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise