it must be school picture day
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Saturday
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”