I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You Might Also Like
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
wishing you and yours all the best
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.