I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”


I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up


Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA


I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.


I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*


Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking


[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
again please
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough