I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious