*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*gets down on one knee*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*