My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.