I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Truth
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.