I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.