[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.