My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.