My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”