My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
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My new favorite headline
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Mornin
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid