ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird