I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
#Caturday
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Probably my best painting.