A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Bros before Ohioes
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Rt to bother an English speaker
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?