@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Kids, do not try this at home!