Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?