Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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So, can we agree on 4 or
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
God has left this place
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER