*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Is this you?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.