My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this