Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”