someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED