Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Cheers Twitter.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread