Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?![]()
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me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.