Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.