Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.