Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
This is I, Robot all over again
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Hello Twits.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God