*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night