Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.