it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Left at a local drug store…
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Going to church you guys need anything
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.