Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.