9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
May never get over this
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I am HOWLING at this
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Tony Hawk, age 6
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.