Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years