Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
good work, detective
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.