There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.![]()
You Might Also Like
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Fiction has to make sense.
![]()
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill![]()
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.