does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
ok like just. call me at this point
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.