does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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The booster protects against what, now?
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Best table by far
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