Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Scream sneezers need love too.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.