OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan