Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.