When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
You Might Also Like
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.