i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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I’m too immature for adultery.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.