Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her