You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans