My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Challenge accepted.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.